Chapter Eleven

GETTING, GAINING, ASSUMING, AND MAINTAINING CONTROL

There is no such thing as total control - some things are out of our control. Stacy D. Phillips wants her clients to take control where they can, and learn to accept where they can't. Control is a state of mind and an act of will . . .

Tad walked into the courtroom, his legs carrying him, but barely. They felt leaden... It was as if, he told me later, he was plodding his way through a swamp.

It was the big day. He and his former wife had gone several rounds in mediation and had made no progress at all during eighteen months of purported negotiations.

She wanted physical custody of their three children and the lion's share of his business, claiming she had put him through college, graduate school, and after that, had helped him run his sports medicine clinic by establishing and building the business' customer base. She had also given up her career as a model to stay home and raise their children, though at that time in their lives Tad continued to enjoy the limelight as a former football star. When they finally opened the clinic, she also served on staff for no pay. It was time for Stella to cash in. Or, at least, that is the way she saw it.

When Tad's ex entered the courtroom, she made a grand entrance. The former NFL cheerleader was attired in an unbeatable UmaThurman-dressed-to-kill winter-white Anne Klein suit.

She confidently followed her attorney to the plaintiff 's table, her head held high, the obvious tilt of her nose leading the way. She looked like she had just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Everyone in the courtroom was struck by her.

Even the judge.

Tad had been easily intimidated by Stella, not only throughout their fifteen year marriage, but also during the entire mediation process.

The couple had been unable to resolve their issues and the case had escalated to a full court battle-a Legal War.

Stella felt she had the upper hand. She was not about to let go of her divorce "objectives," and knowing Tad as she did, she felt she could grind him into submission. If she couldn't, she was counting on the court to do it for her. Up to this point, she refused to accept defeat.

As Stella began to sit, she shot Tad a "catch me if you can" look. Tad sat straight in his chair. He appeared to be unaffected by her entrance. The look on his face did not, in the least, give him away. Inwardly he was feeling demoralized, hopeless and shaken. Outwardly, he looked as tough as he did as an NFL linebacker. He looked to be a formidable foe.

PRESUMING TO ASSUME

If you are continually exposed to contentious circumstances as a result of becoming embroiled in an Emotional, Psychological or Legal War, it may be time for you to be the "bigger" and the "stronger" person; it may be time for you to assume control. Try to stay above the fray, though I know it is hard to do when you are so emotionally, psychologically or financially vulnerable. But I assure you that you will look back one day and be proud of the way you dealt with a difficult situation, if you handle it well now.

That day in court with Tad was a prime example. He resolved to keep his composure and to assume control of his emotions and the turmoil that was going on inside him and around him. (Fortunately, he had had lots of practice during football games and countless mediation sessions!) As the courtroom proceedings got underway, when Stella caught wind of how composed Tad appeared, she suddenly burst into a fit of anger. She completely lost control when the court awarded Tad joint custody of the children and half of the business assets. She stormed from the courtroom even though the judge ordered her to be seated.

Whether you are assuming control to convey a confident
posture or asserting yourself to bring calm and reason to an
otherwise unruly situation, your ability to assume control is one
more way to get and gain control

Here are a few questions to determine if you come across as confident and composed when it comes time to impress others that you are deftly in control:

1. Do you appear submissive, downtrodden, nervous or uncomfortable in mediation sessions, settlement conferences, or before the judge?
   • Yes ____
   • No ____
2. When you encounter your ex in any of the above settings, do you suddenly lose your composure?
   • Yes ____
   • No ____
3. In the company of others, when someone brings up something your ex has said or done, do you begin to display body language or attitude changes that make you appear less than collected?
   • Yes ____
   • No ____
4. If you are feeling ruffled in the presence of your ex, his family, his friends, your children or others, are you still able to display a serene countenance?
   • Yes ____
   • No ____

If you answered no to the first three questions, and yes to question four, I will assume that you are coming across as convincing in the assuming control department. Yes to any of the first three questions, and no to question four, is a dead giveaway that you are in dire need of assuming control. Remember what