DIVORCE:
IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL

How to Win
the
Emotional, Psychological and Legal Wars

INTRODUCTION

"Why did he do this? Why did he purposely bring the kids back late knowing we had a plane to catch?" asked one of my celebrity clients about her ex-husband.

I started to answer, but she cut me off with another exasperated comment.

"We missed the flight! He knew we would miss the flight! This is making me craaazy," she said. "He keeps doing things like this! Constantly!"

Once again I attempted to speak, but it was too late. She was already off and running again, spewing out a litany of other similar complaints.

"Two weekends ago he was an hour late picking Greg up from daycare." She was snarling now through clenched teeth. "The time before that he got Greg's hair cut ridiculously short...or should I say a buzz cut . . . knowing full well we were having his picture taken the next day. And then . . ." She finally interrupted herself, stopping in mid-sentence to take a breath and ask again, "Why does he do these things? Why?"

"Control," I said softly. "It's all about control."

Most often someone is vying for it, I tried to explain to her. It happens especially when you are in the throes of divorce or experiencing its aftermath. "For you, it's your ex-husband. For others, it might be somebody else."

"Like who?" She seemed even more puzzled.

"For some, it's the former in-laws, the ex's new girlfriend or boyfriend. Could be a business partner, the children, a shrink, his or her attorney, and in some cases, the courts!"

She sat silently, but her expression said it all: a look that snowballed from anger to bewilderment, and then finally landed at defeat.

"But I don't get it . . . I mean I get it. I just don't know what to do about it," she finally managed. Helpless, she dissolved into tears.

Not that I wanted to further exacerbate an already overwhelming situation for this woman, but I then dropped the proverbial bombshell. "Sometimes it's even worse. Very often what's controlling us is our paranoia, our emotions, our need to win."

As I passed the tissues, a light bulb went on in my head: a real 250-watter. Certainly there are many excellent books on divorce, but no one has written the one that is long overdue (and much needed): a book that fully explains the single most important aspect of understanding what lies beneath the surface of the marriage wars-be they legal, psychological or emotional-the "X," or should I say "Ex" factor: Control!

"I know this is difficult to hear," I continued. "But the point is this: It's you who needs to be in control, always. And, if you can't be in control because he is, then you need to know how to deal with it to protect yourself." I tried to comfort her, knowing this was hard to swallow, but I drove my point home, making her take it in like bad-tasting cough medicine. "If you can learn to manage control of your business affairs, your feelings and your overall psychological well-being, you will not have days like today. You can minimize feeling as though you're always at the mercy of whatever is controlling you."

The objective, I stated as I wound down my argument, was to identify who was in control (if she wasn't), and utilize practical ways to regain and retain it.

"Okay, fine," she finally said, arms crossed defiantly across her chest in a pout. "So how in the world am I supposed to do that?"

"First by understanding the 'Control Factor '-what the nature of it is-its many complexities," I said flatly.

She seemed willing to continue to listen.

As I spent another forty-five minutes with her, I ran down my other thoughts on the subject of control. Without naming names, I told her some of the cases I had handled-and some I was still in the midst of-that illustrated my points about both the givens and mysteries of the control factor in personal relationships. Most specifically, as they related to marriage, but, of course, one could also apply these same principles to other relationships.

She was not the only person who had had a rough week, I told her as I walked her to the lobby of my offices. I had many clients who were in the middle of battles-their control issues.

For example, just that morning I had been in a deposition in which my client (he) was trying to keep (her) from taking the children out of the country without his permission. Later I was in a four-way conference with a client and her ex and his attorney. They were warring over their pet Labrador. Yes, the fight for control was over a dog! Likewise, shortly before the frustrated client had walked in, I confided, I had been trying to reason with an irate male who reported that his ex was throwing a birthday party for herself and had invited all his close friends and his parents. He insisted that I get a court restraining order to stop such behavior.

Not all my clients were as passive as she, I told her, and perhaps it had been a good thing that she had broken down in my office. Her "breakdown" and our resulting discussion helped her to begin to understand a problem she had been grappling with for three years-her ex-husband's ability to control her. It also affirmed something for me, something I had been wrestling with for years: making a more concerted effort to write on the subject of divorce and the "ex" factor. Yes, on this head-banging Tuesday afternoon I fully realized a book on the subject was clearly overdue!

What furthered my resolve to put these chapters together was the realization that not many individuals are as open and forthright as the client with whom I had just met. No, some can't even discuss it-instead they become extremely destructive. Very often they become hell-bent on "winning" at any costs. They can't seem to let go of the need to control. They may not rant openly or break down in tears in front of their attorney as my client had, or in front of their therapist-but they continue to go through each day completely out of touch with what or who is in control. In the end, many sabotage themselves. Such a damning thing! So I thought that if this book were available maybe I could reach others who I could not personally meet-people who would need the same tutorial. That, coupled with my client's outburst that afternoon, had cinched it. I decided then to make the writing of this book a front-burner priority.

My parting, and I hope consoling comments to this woman as we stood chatting in the lobby, was that her situation was not unusual, that there were many who shared a similar plight. They too were dealing with the bewildering frustrations only a broken marriage could present. I told her it was not uncommon for divorce to bring out the very worst in people. I said that I had clients-and knew of colleagues with similar ones-who even strongly resembled the main characters in the film, "War of the Roses." She had not seen it. I told her to rent it!

Now if you have seen this movie, you know exactly what I am talking about. Mr. and Mrs. Rose, portrayed by Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, had escalated their disagreements to such a furious "control" pitch that they lost all sense of reason and dignity and behaved in less than desirable ways, and that's an understatement! Granted, the warring couple may have portrayed an exaggerated version of what most couples are like when dealing with divorce issues, but the film provides an excellent example of what can happen when people get out of control with control issues. The Roses certainly lived out their issues boldly in graphic terms.

It is almost a given that every case I handle will have its share of "issues," many of which are not always practical. I am not referring to the task of writing up paperwork to evenly divide community marital property. Rather, I am talking about those issues that center around some urgent situation or chronic problem which is driven directly by the "ex" factor. (For example, the wife who refuses to give her husband contact information when she and the children are on a week's vacation, or the husband who purposely keeps bringing the children home late just to aggravate his ex.) No, at the heart of most contentious matters are those not unlike Mr. and Mrs. Rose's-they are disputes that involve the need or desire for one party to control the other. It becomes an obsession for one party-the need to always dominate the other.

What is especially difficult about most divorce and custody cases is that this tug 'o war over control does not begin or end in my office or the courtroom. It will go on for years, long after the divorce decree is official! As I stated earlier, the fight for control may not just be between the former husband and wife. It can also include various personal and business individuals associated with the couple.

I truly believe a better understanding of how to mitigate, bypass, overcome, handle or otherwise just downright outsmart or cope with control issues would be of great benefit to anyone about to go through divorce, those who are in the midst of one, and those who cannot seem to rid themselves of what I term "divorce residue."

With that in mind, and after the impact that particular client had on me that Tuesday afternoon, I set about gathering notes on the complexities of control and marital relationships. As part of my research for the book, I began talking to colleagues, therapists, judges, religious advisors and many who had gone through or who were still engaged in the frustrations often affiliated with marital breakups. I discussed with all these sources the "how come's" and "why for 's" of control. Most importantly, I asked my colleagues for solutions they had found, and I also queried them on viable ways that would help people handle the angst, frustration, despair and a host of other emotions associated with control issues.

I asked couples engaged in the control "wars" what they felt they had gained or lost as a result.

The input I received was invaluable, the remedies sound and reasonable, and the advice precious. Obviously, all of it provided great reflections for this book, and to each of those I consulted, I am grateful.

As you begin to read this book, my first request is that you take a good look at yourself. Assess your root of frustration if you are one of those who is going through or has gone through divorce and is constantly or frequently feeling as though you are at the mercy of some person or situation.

As you travel through these pages, my goal for you is to first understand what constitutes control in the divorce process, past, present and future. Next, I will ask you to ask yourself: what about your current root of frustration? Is it due to factors or individuals? For example, what did your initial assessment reveal? Is it your attorney, your ex's new spouse, a therapist, your stepchildren? Is it you? (an often overlooked potential). Or is it not a person at all? Could it be extenuating circumstances such as not enough money to live on, as defined by your own definition and experience or your volatile emotions?

Taking a first look at who or what is in control is geared to get you thinking before you move through the pages of this book. What if you cannot clearly identify who or what is in control? I will help you because I begin by delineating the differences between the legal, psychological and emotional wars, how those three overlap, how the lines can blur in battles that may encompass two or all three of them, and how control factors in.

I will also spend time with the "items" or "inventory" associated with control without the "ex" factor, such as children, money, friends, in-laws, and business associates. In other words, how to tally up those factors to determine whether one or several of them are heading up the control parade.

In this book I also discuss what to do when you feel you are out of control, as well as how to clearly and objectively identify the real nemesis.

Moving forward, I make recommendations on how to fight the control wars productively and how to win them without diminishing anyone in the process. There is even a chapter on "threats," both real and perceived. I offer positive methods for dealing with both types.

Knowing that you, like so many others, will have to deal with those in the "enemy camp," I have even included a chapter on strategies to manage your former in-laws, mutual business associates, stepchildren (and, God forbid, even your own children), and others you just may not be able to avoid.

By book's end I am fairly confident you will have a real handle on assuming and taking control of yourself and managing the control conflicts that surround you. And if for some reason you cannot get control, you will understand how to better protect yourself.

More specifically, the book lays out like this: I offer case studies-real as well as hypothetical stories to illustrate my introductory point. I then move on to give workable strategies and practical solutions to such dilemmas. Through such stories I will expose you to a variety of dynamics. As such, you will come to a better understanding of what motivates and drives the control factor in different personalities. By means of a select choice of remedies, you will get to explore appropriate options-personal to you-for handling control problems, issues and disputes.

Also in each chapter, I offer a list of do's and don'ts. This checklist will come in handy, I am sure. I round out each chapter with a self-examination pop quiz and some helpful and practical homework tips. Throughout the book I also include ways to put good humor to use (an important element in helping you stay balanced).

When you have finished with this book, I am hopeful you will be armed with insight, information, and ways to handle those difficult and trying situations-those circumstances where control is at the heart of the matter or the dispute.

Before you turn the page to Chapter One, I would like to ask that you grab a pencil and paper-and maybe a highlighter to mark your favorite passages. Then you can be fully prepared to make this book not only what I hope is interesting reading, but a workbook of sorts, one that will provide a terrific source of reference and a practical roadmap to maneuver you skillfully down the many roads marked, "Caution: Control Ahead."