Chapter One

ANATOMY OF CONTROL

How It Manifests Itself In Personal Relationships

Stacy D. Phillips begins each chapter with a true anecdote from one of her divorce cases which exemplifies the aspect of control she is discussing. In this example, she shows that divorce is not really about "things". . .

"All I wanted was a six-foot, redwood fence! We live on a cliff." I knew where she lived. It was high in the Hollywood Hills, where houses stack nicely on terraced bluffs, each one indented and angled slightly behind the ones below as they wind their way up to a pinnacle. Layered, they resemble a lopsided soft-serve cone from Dairy Queen, each one sitting precariously on top of the other.

I was not sure I had heard her right so I repeated her remark-in a patient tone-allowing myself to wrap my head around what seemed to be a rather harmless request.

"You wanted a six-foot, redwood fence."

"Yep," she said firmly. "To protect my toddler. My two-year-old plays in our rear yard and last week he was chasing his soccer ball. It got away from him," she said, cupping her hands close together to show it was a small ball, "and I raced to stop him. Had I not been closer," her eyes were huge now, "he would have tumbled right off the cliff!"

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. It gave me chills just to step inside the visual she had painted. I have two children. Though they are older now, I understood her fear.

Then she said: "My husband said 'No, you can't have the fence. It will ruin the view.'"

The sun was going down as she shared the disillusionment of her seven-year relationship with the man who had kept her fenceless. She soon explained that was the final straw that prompted her to sneak away to meet me without his knowledge. She had finally gotten up the courage to act on her thoughts of leaving him.

She told me about their whirlwind courtship, how he seemed so dedicated to making her happy-that he took care of everything for her-that no one had ever done that for her before. She also told me how, after three years of marriage, she had given up her career as an advertising account executive to stay home and, well, "home-make." Her husband told her she could because he would continue to develop property and build multi-million-dollar homes-that he would take complete and total care of her.

"When we got married, he told me I would never have to worry about money again and even took over care of all the finances," she said, making it sound like his doing so was some kind of a favor. "He just gave me money each week for groceries and incidentals."

"Hmmm," I replied, knowing what was coming next.

"It wasn't like that, at first."

"It wasn't?" I feigned surprise. Of course it wasn't. It usually isn't in cases like hers, at first. Well, actually it is, but she would not realize that until later.

"No. I had my own checking account. I had credit cards in my name only; even a small savings account, you know, $30,000."

"What happened? "I was just being polite. I knew what had happened.

"Well, when we got married, see, we had this agreement...." "Written one???"

"No, just sort of an oral one, or oh, well not even an oral one. It just sort of happened. See, since he said he would just handle everything it sounded okay to me. So I closed my checking account and cut up my credit cards and used my savings for odds and ends, Christmas gifts, you know, and gifts for him... It all seemed okay and now my savings are all gone." She struggled for a few moments to get out the next set of words, "but it isn't okay any more. I want...I want...I want a fence...dammit!"

Of course you do, I wanted to shoot back, and a heck of a lot more, but I didn't say it out loud! I only nodded understandingly.

Ms. Phillips draws on her 20-plus years experience and her qualifications as a certified family law specialist to dissect the issues of divorce and provide solid advice for the reader.

What I have learned as a family law attorney is that male or female, there is no established standard in terms of gender as to who may have control on any given issue. Also, control shifts, or the perception of it does, by both men and women throughout the different stages of the dissolution process. During pre-dissolution she may feel he is in control, while during the dissolution process itself she may think she is. Then, of course, during post-dissolution the balance of power, or view of it, can change once again. He may think he is now in control.

THE BODY OF CONTROL: FROM HEAD TO TOE

Control can be good, bad, or more often in between. There is no standard by which it can be measured. Sometimes control is a detriment when a person uses it to coerce, be it aggressively or passively; sometimes it's good when used appropriately; and other times it can be a toss up. The reality is control is prevalent in any relationship. And when couples are jockeying for control, it always becomes a contest. Why? By nature, people are typically competitive.