Chapter Three

THE CONTROL WARS

The Typical Three

Los Angeles divorce lawyer Stacy D. Phillips outlines the three basic fronts on which the divorce wars are waged, with examples of each.

"And you can tell her attorney that I will be picking my son up at the house, not at daycare!" screamed an irate, joint-custody dad, forcing me to hold the receiver as far away from my ear as my arm could reach.

"I hear that, but"

"and that's not all. You can also tell her attorney to tell her that the last time we had a conversation, I did not overlook the fact that she asked me three times to repeat the name of our son's baseball coach."

"What are you saying, Herb?" I inquired, though I already knew where he was going with this comment.

"What am I saying?" he repeated. "What I'm saying is that Lindsay is losing it. I told you that. I tried nicely," he continued, with the calm flatness as that of a blasé airline pilot informing the passengers of an updated arrival time, "to ask her to get help. You know her mother had an early onset of Alzheimer's, and she's always worried about that. And, well," he went on, unable to hide the condescension in his voice, "I, too, have wondered if maybe it would be best for our son if she underwent a thorough mental exam."

"Herb..."

"Ms. Phillips"

"Yes"

"Please help Carter, please." Carter was their eight-year-old. "Help Carter?"

"Yes. You can tell her attorney to tell her that Carter has expressed fear about his mother's forgetfulness."

I believed Herb was talking about the "cupcake incident." A few weeks earlier Lindsay had totally spaced when she forgot to drop off the desserts to Carter's second grade teacher for the Thanksgiving fest.

"You mean the cupcake thing?"

"I mean the cupcake thing."

"Well, don't forget, Herb, it was the day after you had Sarah drop Carter off for the first time"

"Huh?"

"You remember: the day Sarah introduced herself as your fiancé."

"So?"

"So some people are traumatized to learn that their ex is dating so soon, let alone engaged."

I tried to make the next statement diplomatically. I said it rather quietly, "Herb..."

"Yeah?"

"You've only been separated for seven months. Let me tell you something. Sarah making that announcement and flashing that ringwell, that's quite a shock." I tried to say it with a little laugh, hoping he might respond with some compassion.

"Well, whatever," he said coldly. "Look, I don't care how much it coststhe reason I called was to tell you to tell her attorney that I won't do a four-way conference. I want to litigate. I want you to take my case to trial. I want custody of my son."

"It's probably going to get expensive, and your chance of prevailing is not all that great." I made one last attempt at a peace summit.

"I don't care. Money is no object. I have to go now," he said almost

in the same breath, "Just about to close that deal on the hotel chain."

I said goodbye on top of a dial tone.

A DECLARATION OF WAR

Well, Herb had done it. He had declared war on every divorce front: psychological, emotional and legal. And, in the end, it was going to cost a bundle, both in money and mental duress. And, as is typical, everyone would end up paying, especially Carter.

Herb had launched not one attack, but three:

Psychological Warfare

In brief, it is when one person (or both) tries to make the other question his or her sanity, or when one or the other attempts to persuade others that his or her opponent is not mentally fit. Psychological Warfare extends beyond these boundaries to include any attack that plays havoc with one's peace of mind and mental well being or focuses on tbe object of ruin. In the Psychological War, "mind games" are the order or the day!

Emotional Warfare

Emotional wars are those marital-type conflicts geared to hurt another 's feelings. They are the divorce war "variety" designed to penetrate one's feelings at a very deep and painful level.

Legal Warfare

The third most common war in this trilogy is the legal war. Sometimes a legal war is legitimate; other times it's fought simply as a way to escalate the psychological and emotional wars and jockey for a stronger hold on control.

Whether or not the case ever goes the distance, a legal war is one that is fought when legal papers are drafted and/or filed for the purpose of resolving issues inside the courtroom. A legal war can be costly in both emotional and psychological terms, but then add to that dollars and cents, and this type of war is the most difficult and costly of all-albeit in dollars. The psychological and emotional wars can indeed be more costly, but not to the wallet