Costly, time-wasting, at times absurd. Why would one party wage a legal war in divorce? For control, of course. Stacy D. Phillips offers insights and advice on avoiding a protracted and expensive legal war - a war which nobody wins but the lawyers.

"What the (bleep) is a deposition?" yelled the heavy-metal rocker, his voice noticeably gruff, skipping a few syllables as a result of the hoarseness caused by his recent 23-city tour.

"Well, it's a statement given under oath, and it takes place"

Cutting me off, "Fine, then you (bleepin') go!" he ordered. I wasn't fooled by his machismo, detecting a hint of fear in his tone. He started to mutter under his breath.

Working to get his attention, I said, "RodRod, listen, of course I will go, but you must be there, too."

"What the (bleep) for? I'm due in the studio on the tenth of December. I can't go to no (bleepin') disposition."

"Deposition," I gently corrected.

"Yeah, well, whatever. You go."

"You have to go, Rod. Your wife's lawyer is taking sworn testimony." I attempted a slight laugh, "Yours!"

"Why? Oh (bleep)! That bleached-blonde (bleep) has cost me fifty thousand (bleepin') dollars in just the last four (bleepin') months!"

It was true-she had. Marta's attorney had filed a number of motions, most of them ridiculous, but nonetheless legal.

Underneath his crusty and profane exterior this rock star really was a nice guy. He had even warned me the day he signed his Retainer Agreement that when he became upset he was prone to uncontrollable swearing. While I am not a fan of such language, I told him I would cut him some slack in that department so long as he helped his case by behaving gentlemanly in court-by not swearing there-and at all other legal proceedings, including depositions. I also told him he could not swear at me, ever, and if he did our legal "concert" would be over.

So far he had kept his promise. I knew that as tough as he appeared on stage and during media interviews, he crumbled inside each time his ex-wife's attorney shot another series of legal bullets at him. Such hits were like machine-gun fire; they came rapidly and often. In fact, there had been little let-up since she filed divorce proceedings eleven months earlier.

As they get the desired reaction, or in hopes of gaining control, some clients become. . .

Compulsive Litigants

Many of those who engage in the Legal Wars cannot help themselves. A large handful of Legal Warriors are obsessive and compulsive about the need not only to declare a Legal War, but to keep one going. Often, those who have the most gold actually get a kick out of grinding down the one who has less. It becomes a way of torturing them. In a Legal War it is not uncommon for the party who possesses less financially (material means) to finally buckle under the pressure and settle for less than what they wanted (or what they were rightfully entitled to), just to end the Legal War.

On the flip side, those who have less gold use the Legal War as a means of reducing the "Most Gold" opponent to a lesser status. Usually in that case, the "Lesser Gold" party is hopeful that he or she will bring the other to his or her financial knees. Sometimes-but not as often as you think -that happens.

I say, God have mercy on those who play the Legal War as a game-a means to get more, or to hassle an opponent for the sake of gouging them where it might hurt most. For more often than not, both parties hobble off the Legal War battleground bloodied, bruised and on financial crutches for a very long time. There is no financial toll like the Legal War toll, especially for those who try to use this form of dangerous combat to get back at an ex.

If you don't want to take Stacy Phillips word for it, she offers advice from people who have been through divorce:

Avoid the legal war!

Those I have spoken with-who had been through the Legal Wars-confided that they had no idea that the scope of the damage such a War would render would be so devastating. They also stated that given an opportunity to redo that event-that part of their lives-they would have opted for another tack in settling their disputes. And of course, there are others who believed they were too passive in their divorce process and wished they had used the Legal Wars to get more (or give less) than what they did. They opted not to use the Legal Wars out of emotional, psychological or financial fear, or just because they thought they were doing the right thing! All too often, the Legal War is the means to fight the Psychological or Emotional War, as we discussed in Chapters 5 and 6.