Chapter Six

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL WARS

If the emotional wars are a sock in the gut, the psychological wars are a knife in the back. Stacy Phillips offers chilling examples of the mind games people play in divorces and relationships, helping the reader examine his or her own participation, and giving advice on how to steer away from a psychological war and regain control.

"Though we disagree, I'm glad we could meet over dinner to discuss this calmly," said the expensively-dressed, handsome venture capitalist.

"As am I," replied the well-coiffed socialite.

"So then, even though I know you want to send him to Fremont, I suggest we send Bradley to Wintersberg. It's ranked in the top 20 of college prep institutions." This remark came across as dark and formal as his navy Giorgio Armani suit.

"Were we going to order first, Dan?" "Oh, sure, Bonnie."

The server who was standing nearby stepped forward. "She'll have a Manhattan."

"What?"

"Oh, I mean a Vodka Martini. Dry. I'll have a Chivas. Rocks." "What's with the Manhattan?" Bonnie was visibly disturbed. "Did I say that? Oh, I'm sorry."

Sorry? Bonnie knew that Cassandra, Dan's secretary of the past five years, drank Manhattans. She and Dan had been separated for only four months. Her mind ran a quick scan of the possibilities. Like a computer that had been shut down improperly, it began to rapidly check all files before booting up again.

Stacy Phillips' insights on the Psychological Wars

In emotional wars, feelings are always the main target, but in psychological war the mind and the soul are the objects of ruin.

The Psychological War is sinister. Psychological warfare is all about messing with or controlling your mind or chipping away or profoundly wounding your soul.

In the Psychological War the emphasis is less on "feelings" and more on "business." . . .

Psychological Warfare can last for years. The Psychological Attacker lies in wait for the perfect opportunity. The psychological Defender is just as devious because his or her participation only fuels an already inflamed dynamic.

Stacy Phillips asks: Are you fighting a psychological war?

It is time now to assess your involvement, if any, in a Psychological War, and see if you can list yourself as an Attacker, Defender, or both. Naturally, you can also wear the uniform of a Neutral in such a war, though I realize that it is difficult to do.

The following is my first round of questions. As I requested in the Emotional War questionnaire, please be candid and truthful. By so doing, you may be able to ward off years of unneeded misery.

1. How would you describe yourself?
   • An Attacker ____
   • A Defender ____
   • Both ____
   • A Neutral ____
2. If you are an Attacker, how do you spend your time?
   • Planning attacks well in advance or orchestrating them ____
   • Jumping on an opportunity when one presents itself ____
   • Getting others to do the attacking for you ____