Chapter Nine

THREATS AND CONTROL: REAL, IMPLIED AND IMAGINED

The following excerpts from "Divorce, It's All About Control: How to Win the Emotional, Psychological And Legal Wars" are a sample of the content found in every chapter: anecdotes, explanations, professional insights, and self-evaluation for the reader.

Mort missed the turn again. It was the third time in a week. This is nuts, he thought as he slapped his right palm against his forehead. He'd taken the same route to work for seven years in a row! Out loud, he berated himself: "What the hell am I doing?"

Thinking.

Thinking hard.

Mort was distracted-riveted to the mental picture of his newly estranged ex-wife, Laverne, who one week earlier, when he had confessed his three-year extramarital affair to her and asked for a divorce, said nothing. Instead she looked him squarely in the face. Coldly. She registered no emotion, yet her eyes sent a sinister message. Mort continued to put the incident on rewind, playing it over and over again. His imagination was working overtime. What did that look mean???

A THREAT, OR NOT A THREAT, THAT IS THE QUESTION

Some threats are Real. In other words, they are openly expressed and can manifest themselves through some type of physical violence, emotional abuse, financial control, or threats through the children. Other threats are Implied. By that I mean tossed out obliquely or indirectly. Yet these can also result in disaster. Imagined threats leave a person thinking or wondering if a threat has been directed at them, or if one will be carried out. Sometimes the Threatener (my word) follows through, other times he/she does not..

All the way around, threats are bad news.

"Real" threats can result in death.

"Implied" threats can cause unnecessary trauma (and death, too).

"Imagined" threats can cause mental chaos.

Threats can go on for years.

Threats are always about control.

Threats are the winds of war! Yes, they can kick up and kick off any of the Typical Three Wars (and the ones associated with the Enemies Within), or keep them going long after they should have died down. From strong breezes to heavy gales, in their wake, threats can wreak all kinds of havoc.

WHY THREATS?

Emotions are raw when people are profoundly injured over the breakup of their personal relationship. "He went ballistic," or "she was crazed," or "he was out of his mind," or "she flipped out," are all ways to describe what can happen at the slightest provocation for those who are under tremendous emotional or psychological duress. In such states many people lose their cool .

ASSESSING THREATS

It is now time for you to take a short quiz to see how you fare in the Threat Department. The majority of those going through divorce or a relationship breakup make some kind of threat- Real, Implied or Imagined. I am not chastising you if you have been a Threatener or allowed yourself to be a victim (or been both!), I am simply asking that you manage your threat issues, because they are linked closely with your ability to assume, establish and maintain control. The questions are as follows:

1. Describe yourself.
   • Threatee ____
   • Threatener ____
   • Neither ____
   • Both ____
2. Describe your ex.
   • Intimidator ____
   • Passive-Aggressive ____
   • Terrorist ____
   • Manipulator ____
   • Victim ____
   • Cooperator ____
3. Describe yourself.
   • Intimidator ____
   • Passive-Aggressive ____
   • Terrorist ____
   • Manipulator ____
   • Victim ____
   • Cooperator ____